I think it's just part of the human condition. The experts call that sexual ambivalence.
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Others find themselves somewhere in the middle, consciously or unconsciously. Some men and women are unworriedly, unreflectively, comfortably and securely placed at either end - be it gay or straight.
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It's not rigid and fixed and the same for everyone either, as you are only too well aware. Sexual orientation is also a question of sexual preference rather than any absolute position. Personally, I think it's a product of our emotional environment, our social experience, the way we've learned to fit in with the world around us. It's fashionable to see sexual orientation as heredity. To fill the gap until you find a therapist, here are some thoughts you can mull over.
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And to do that, I suggest some professional input. I just think you need to work out exactly what you've discovered about yourself.
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And yes, it is possible that you would now prefer to have a homosexual partner. No, I'm not trying to challenge the validity of your personal insight. For starters, what made you decide that you're gay? Did you fall in love with a man, have a sexual encounter, discover a taste for gay porn, or slowly realise that you find men attractive too? It's a question of kindness, love, respect and morality. Being a faithful husband is not a matter of gay-versus-straight sensibilities. It's not any different to recognising that even as a married man you're capable of acknowledging the sexual attractions of other women. People can, however, live heterosexual lives while being conscious of the fact that there's a homosexual side to their nature. Many gay men have done that to hide - and still do. That means you don't marry a woman and then be emotionally unavailable and sexually evasive.
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What you do have to decide is how to live life as an honourable human being. The point I'm making is that - in principle, anyway - you don't have to choose between being gay and straight. It's just that people would like it to be, because that's easier to handle. Messy and difficult and confusing as it may be, you actually know yourself that sexual orientation is not always tidy. Why this need to tidy it away as an emotional mistake? And why do you feel you're living a pseudo life, pretending? Why the imperative to 'come out'? Why do you say you only "thought" you loved her? It was real enough at the time. You had a relationship with a woman for nine years. Don't you think you yourself should accept that sexual orientation is complex? You suggest society should see that sexual orientation is complex.
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The only story in town is how you see things. It's also an emotional side-step, or just plain dodging. IT'S seriously seductive to talk about society's attitudes. How can you have a heterosexual love for so long, and then realise that your orientation is gay? More importantly, why do I have to choose between being gay and straight? Does this have to be so hard? Doesn't society badly need to recognise the complexity of sexual orientation? I still can't completely understand it myself - being gay, I mean. They often talk of their desire for grandchildren and their wish to see me settle down and be happy. I am not worried about people being disappointed in me, but, as an only child, I feel that my parents will be devastated. I realise, too, that I can't live a pseudo life, pretending any more. However, even as I write this, I feel extremely sad. After a lot of emotional homework, I have now come to the realisation that I am gay. I AM a 30-year-old man who, until recently, has led an extremely 'straight' life - including a nine-year relationship with a woman I thought I loved.